Let me start by just giving a quick shout out to Jesse Eisenberg - Loved Zombieland. Sorry about Cursed.
OK, that out of the way, let me get on to the topic of the day-
Now as many of you know, I'm the smallest of four dogs at home, so I know a little bit about social networking. For example, it is apparently wrong to pee on the Border Collie's head. I know. We were all surprised. Being the warmhearted and generous sports breed that I am, I'd like to pass on some of my wisdom to the good folks at Facebook.
THINGS A VIZSLA WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE ABOUT FACEBOOK:
1: Specificity-
I'm talking about the whole 'friending' process here. (and when did that become a legitimate verb, by the way? The same with 'like' when did 'like' become a verb? except of course for always, since it actually IS a verb, but you know what I mean, right?) Anyhow, my point actually is that not all friends are created equal. My feelings very quite a bit between, say, Daddy (who brings me food, and plays pull the rope (though not as often as I might like)) and - to take a random example - Catherine Deneuve (who has to date never played pull the rope with me, but WAS in The Hunger, which has to be worth something.)
So, should both Daddy and Catherine Deneuve send me Friend Requests on the same day, how am I to indicate the relative depth of feeling in my acceptance of said friend requests? (note to self... check on Catherine Deneuve's Facebook status...)
So what I'm thinking is that upon receipt of a Friend Request, it should be possible to assign a level of friendship to that person, commiserate to the level of ones feelings.
Now I know that the good people at Facebook are far too busy rolling naked in piles of money and eating pudding to put such a scale together, and so I've done the work for them. Feel free to send snausages in thanks.
THE VIZSLA FACEBOOK FRIEND SCALE:
Friend Level 10- You are like unto a god to me. I love you more than beef flavored Carvers.
FL9 - You are awesome. You may totally have a Kidney.
FL8 - When I see you, I get so excited I do circles. And sometimes pee a little.
FL7 - I will help you move, as long as it is within a 50 mile radius of your current dwelling place
FL6 - You're pretty cool. I will certainly go with you to the barn dance.
FL5 - I like you, but I don't care about your farmville status.
FL4 - We should totally hang out more. Totally. Why don't we hang out more. I am totally going to call you after...oooo, look! Shiny!
FL3 - If I encounter you in a social situation I will almost certainly return your guardedly friendly greeting and then stand near you in silence.
FL2 - I'm really just curious to look at your photos to see iof you have gotten fat/bald since high school
FL1 - If I say yes to this will you stop calling me?
And on the flip side (not currently an option, but SO should be) Why is it that discreetly ignoring a request is currently the only way available to let that special someone know that you hate them? Allow me to present - The ANTI-FRIEND levels-
FL -1 I probably wouldn't cross the road to avoid you, but I WOULD hide behind a newspaper.
FL -2 I definitely would cross the road to avoid you
FL -3 I would not cross the road to pee on you if you were on fire
FL -4 I am waiting for YOU to cross the road so I can run you down with my car
FL -5 thinnnnnnnerrrrrr........
And the nuclear option - The Facebook Nemesis button. Must be agreed by mutual consent between parties. Only one Nemesis allowed at a time.
I'll have to continue this one, as it is now time for me to chase a bunny. Until then, keep scratching those bellies.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Vizlaws of the Highway
(Originally published elsewhere September 2010)
Now, a lot of the time when I bring up things that really should be common knowledge about driving etiquette people tend to give me responses along the lines of, ‘Holy crap that dog is talking’, or ‘Them some pretty big words for somebody that licks themselves in public’.
I’m going to skate right past these, pausing only briefly to point out that while the second one might be true it’s hardly helpful to the discussion.
And so let’s take a moment to discuss –
COMMON SENSE RULES OF DRIVING ABOUT WHICH VIZSLAS KNOW AND MOST HUMANS APPARENTLY DO NOT:
1: Left lane fast. Right lane slow.
I’m hardly the first one to point this out, but it seems to not have sunk in for the majority of the population. Let’s break it down to it’s simplest application - If you are going the exact same speed as the person in the right lane, you should BE IN THE FRICKIN’ RIGHT LANE. At least for long enough for that nice driver immediately behind you to go past. Because you know how he (or she)’s about three inches from your bumper? That’s because you are in their way. And they hate you.
Which leads to a corollary of the first rule:
1a: You are not the freeway hall monitor.
It’s not up to you to prevent speeding. Or tailgating. Or merging in from the onramp at a point that you personally disapprove of for ideological reasons. At no point should you wedge your ass in the left lane at 5 miles below the speed limit just to show all those bad people that you can stop them from speeding like you were Batman of the interstate. If you do this, they are allowed to ram you off the road like you were the little 8-bit motorcycle in Spy Hunter, seriously. Wave a reproving finger as they pass if it makes your self-satisfied little self feel better, but under no circumstances are you entitled to try to enforce traffic code. Unless you’re a state patrolman (patrol-person? Patrol-attendant? Deputy?) If you are actually a POST licensed officer on duty, then you actually ARE the Freeway Hall Monitor, and corollary 1a does not apply to you. In fact, none of these do. Neither does the law of diminishing returns, gravity, averages, and my but have you lost weight because you look fabulous.
2: If you drive in such a way as to deliberately be in someone else’s way, you are an asshole.
Yes, I’m looking at you Mr Tap-on-the-brakes-to get-that-car-to-back-off-rather-than-get-the-hell-out-of-their-way. Sure, there’s plenty of times where Mr. Tailgater is the asshole in today’s story. And plenty of times where it’s not actually safely or even physically possible to move out of your lane to let someone past or slow down/speed up to allow someone to merge in. But when you’re going 5 miles below the speed limit in the left lane while people are moving to the right lane to get around you… We have identified the asshole, and it is you.
3: Your skill as a driver is in direct inverse proportion to the number of religious bumper stickers that you have on your car.
Same goes for political ones, politics being essentially indistinguishable from religion these days anyway. (‘I’m right because I’m obviously right, therefore anyone who thinks differently is clearly stupid and wrong’)
Oh, and doubly so for political bumper stickers regarding elections that occurred in previous decades.
4: There is room for legitimate difference of opinion as to where in the acceleration lane it is appropriate to merge into traffic. If someone merges at a spot that you feel to be inappropriate, they probably have a difference of opinion with you but are most likely NOT the antichrist.
That said, let’s observe that the word ‘Acceleration’ is actually RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME OF THE LANE. If you’re braking to a lower speed than the flow of traffic while on this lane you are no longer allowed to drive on the freeway. Ever.
5: If you’re not capable of driving in the snow, you should not be out driving in the snow.
Ditto rain. And sleet. And dark of night. In fact, avoid the postal service altogether.
That’s all for now, It’s vitally important that I go roll on my back in the living room and make noises like a yeti at this point in the evening.
Until next week –
Willum
Now, a lot of the time when I bring up things that really should be common knowledge about driving etiquette people tend to give me responses along the lines of, ‘Holy crap that dog is talking’, or ‘Them some pretty big words for somebody that licks themselves in public’.
I’m going to skate right past these, pausing only briefly to point out that while the second one might be true it’s hardly helpful to the discussion.
And so let’s take a moment to discuss –
COMMON SENSE RULES OF DRIVING ABOUT WHICH VIZSLAS KNOW AND MOST HUMANS APPARENTLY DO NOT:
1: Left lane fast. Right lane slow.
I’m hardly the first one to point this out, but it seems to not have sunk in for the majority of the population. Let’s break it down to it’s simplest application - If you are going the exact same speed as the person in the right lane, you should BE IN THE FRICKIN’ RIGHT LANE. At least for long enough for that nice driver immediately behind you to go past. Because you know how he (or she)’s about three inches from your bumper? That’s because you are in their way. And they hate you.
Which leads to a corollary of the first rule:
1a: You are not the freeway hall monitor.
It’s not up to you to prevent speeding. Or tailgating. Or merging in from the onramp at a point that you personally disapprove of for ideological reasons. At no point should you wedge your ass in the left lane at 5 miles below the speed limit just to show all those bad people that you can stop them from speeding like you were Batman of the interstate. If you do this, they are allowed to ram you off the road like you were the little 8-bit motorcycle in Spy Hunter, seriously. Wave a reproving finger as they pass if it makes your self-satisfied little self feel better, but under no circumstances are you entitled to try to enforce traffic code. Unless you’re a state patrolman (patrol-person? Patrol-attendant? Deputy?) If you are actually a POST licensed officer on duty, then you actually ARE the Freeway Hall Monitor, and corollary 1a does not apply to you. In fact, none of these do. Neither does the law of diminishing returns, gravity, averages, and my but have you lost weight because you look fabulous.
2: If you drive in such a way as to deliberately be in someone else’s way, you are an asshole.
Yes, I’m looking at you Mr Tap-on-the-brakes-to get-that-car-to-back-off-rather-than-get-the-hell-out-of-their-way. Sure, there’s plenty of times where Mr. Tailgater is the asshole in today’s story. And plenty of times where it’s not actually safely or even physically possible to move out of your lane to let someone past or slow down/speed up to allow someone to merge in. But when you’re going 5 miles below the speed limit in the left lane while people are moving to the right lane to get around you… We have identified the asshole, and it is you.
3: Your skill as a driver is in direct inverse proportion to the number of religious bumper stickers that you have on your car.
Same goes for political ones, politics being essentially indistinguishable from religion these days anyway. (‘I’m right because I’m obviously right, therefore anyone who thinks differently is clearly stupid and wrong’)
Oh, and doubly so for political bumper stickers regarding elections that occurred in previous decades.
4: There is room for legitimate difference of opinion as to where in the acceleration lane it is appropriate to merge into traffic. If someone merges at a spot that you feel to be inappropriate, they probably have a difference of opinion with you but are most likely NOT the antichrist.
That said, let’s observe that the word ‘Acceleration’ is actually RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME OF THE LANE. If you’re braking to a lower speed than the flow of traffic while on this lane you are no longer allowed to drive on the freeway. Ever.
5: If you’re not capable of driving in the snow, you should not be out driving in the snow.
Ditto rain. And sleet. And dark of night. In fact, avoid the postal service altogether.
That’s all for now, It’s vitally important that I go roll on my back in the living room and make noises like a yeti at this point in the evening.
Until next week –
Willum
Satin, I Cast Thee Out!
(First Published elsewhere in August of 2010)
Now, I don't like to draw a lot of hardcore immutable lines in the sand, but I do know one thing. If at any point during your argument you feel the need to declare that the opposing viewpoint is, and I'm quoting forum online discussion boards here, 'The work of Satin', then I'm afraid you have nothing valid to add to the argument.
Or, for that matter, the gene pool. And yet who get's neutered? Not that I hold a grudge.
I'm of course not going to deny that satin is, undoubtedly the mosty sinfully shiny and drapable of fabrics. I'm sure it's led many a younf prom night couple into shady dealings. But I'm also reasonably sure. That it carries very little voice in the sphere of national politics.
What I'm trying to say is: If your looking for fabrics that have something to anser for, you clearly need to start with velour. I mean, honestly: whats more destructive to society - letting same sex couples marry, or a fabric that you can't wash, unravels at the merest suggestion that you might be interested in packing it in a suitcase, and yet STILL cannot manage to breathe properly.
And why is Satin getting all the blame-slash-credit for upsetting the bible belt while Lame (must learn how to put french accent-ague on keyboard, but you know the shiny bolt of lustful temptation to which I refer) gets off scott free? Sure, there are some tradeoffs. As a wise man once said, the evil ones cant get away with Lame. It gets camp. But does that excuse it for taking no blame whatsoever while poor satin plays the patsy?
And what of cordoroy? Who amongst us has not felt the frictional shame of cord-crotch? Well, not me of course in that I have never worn pants, but I still feel your pain- And I'm talking to you, Mr. 12-years-old-in-1978-at-the-middle-school-winter-dance. But take heart- Empire comes out in three years, it'll make all the pain go away.
So I say, 'Go, Satin, go!' Embrace your immutable 'you'-ness. Because where the hardcore evangelicals see shiny and sinful, I see shimmery fabulousness.
Praise Satin! And all it's prom related works!
Now, I don't like to draw a lot of hardcore immutable lines in the sand, but I do know one thing. If at any point during your argument you feel the need to declare that the opposing viewpoint is, and I'm quoting forum online discussion boards here, 'The work of Satin', then I'm afraid you have nothing valid to add to the argument.
Or, for that matter, the gene pool. And yet who get's neutered? Not that I hold a grudge.
I'm of course not going to deny that satin is, undoubtedly the mosty sinfully shiny and drapable of fabrics. I'm sure it's led many a younf prom night couple into shady dealings. But I'm also reasonably sure. That it carries very little voice in the sphere of national politics.
What I'm trying to say is: If your looking for fabrics that have something to anser for, you clearly need to start with velour. I mean, honestly: whats more destructive to society - letting same sex couples marry, or a fabric that you can't wash, unravels at the merest suggestion that you might be interested in packing it in a suitcase, and yet STILL cannot manage to breathe properly.
And why is Satin getting all the blame-slash-credit for upsetting the bible belt while Lame (must learn how to put french accent-ague on keyboard, but you know the shiny bolt of lustful temptation to which I refer) gets off scott free? Sure, there are some tradeoffs. As a wise man once said, the evil ones cant get away with Lame. It gets camp. But does that excuse it for taking no blame whatsoever while poor satin plays the patsy?
And what of cordoroy? Who amongst us has not felt the frictional shame of cord-crotch? Well, not me of course in that I have never worn pants, but I still feel your pain- And I'm talking to you, Mr. 12-years-old-in-1978-at-the-middle-school-winter-dance. But take heart- Empire comes out in three years, it'll make all the pain go away.
So I say, 'Go, Satin, go!' Embrace your immutable 'you'-ness. Because where the hardcore evangelicals see shiny and sinful, I see shimmery fabulousness.
Praise Satin! And all it's prom related works!
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